FREQUENTLY ASKED (DUMB) QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE DARK WOODS
1) "How long is The Dark Woods?"
The Dark Woods is 3561 linear feet, but that's only if you walk straight, which is impossible, so it's longer than that.
2) "No, I meant how long does it take to walk through The Dark Woods?"
Oh sorry. It depends on the length of your legs and how many people you're holding on to while walking.
3) "Can you please just tell me how long it will take to get through The Dark Woods?"
Yes, I can tell you, but I don't feel like telling you right now.
4) "This is ridiculous. Are all the characters in The Dark Woods this way?" (said with an annoyed tone and heavy sigh)
No. Most are worse. If you'd like to file a complaint, please EMAIL the owner.
5) "Is The Dark Woods scary?"
Unless you enjoy complete strangers and creeps breathing on you, sniffing your hair, and/or whispering in your ear, in the dark, while also being in the middle of nowhere.....then yes, we'd like to think it's, at the very least, a lil' uncomfortable.
6) "What is an appropriate age to attend The Dark Woods?"
We've hosted guests as young as three months and as old as "just about dead". Everyone mostly has fun, and if someone is scared, our cast can "tone it down".
7) "Can I bring my dog to The Dark Woods?"
"No."
8) "Do you believe in dumb questions?"
Yes. Refer to question #7.
9) "What's your favorite color?"
Black....dark black.
10) "What is The Dark Woods?"
The Dark Woods is a haunted Halloween event located at Trombly Gardens in Milford, NH. Guests take a self-guided (walking) tour through a dimly-lit woodlands while being met by an unusual cast of creeps and misfits. The event celebrates the spirit of Halloween and is perfect for families, couples, and people of all ages.
11) "Is The Dark Woods a Haunted Hayride?
No, please see the answer to #10 above.
12) "Should I drink alcohol before or while I'm at The Dark Woods?"
Absolutely not. In fact, any guest who is visibly intoxicated will be asked to leave, NO EXCEPTIONS/NO REFUNDS.
13) "Will the characters touch me?"
Our actors are trained to not touch anyone, and we request the same of our guests. Incidental touching could occur. The only exception to this rule is for special events like The Darker Woods, and a signed waiver is required prior to entry by all guests.
14) "How many people are in a group?"
Our group sizes are no larger than 8 guests. There is always the possibility smaller groups will be paired up, especially during busier times. Please be advised. if you arrive with a group larger than 8 people, we kindly request YOU decide how to split yourselves up. Otherwise, we will do math, and that's gonna suck.
15) "Is The Dark Woods fun?"
It freakin' better be.
16) "What if it rains?"
The Dark Woods may be forced to close if the weather does not cooperate, HOWEVER, unless conditions are unworkable, The Dark Woods will remain in operation, and timed tickets for the time frames we are open will be valid, NO REFUNDS. In the event The Dark Woods is forced to close, ticket holders will be allowed to choose another date to visit within the same season. Notification of cancellation will occur via email and Facebook.
17) "What time will the event be canceled?"
We do our best to cancel when our Lucky 8 Ball has provided all the answers to our weather woes, but there are many occasions when, as much as we try, we cannot control what time it will start to rain/snow. For that reason, we do our best to notify customers via email as soon as the event has been officially canceled. There may be times when the event opens but cannot operate for the entire duration due to poor conditions. Tickets purchased for specific time frames remain valid if we are open during those time frames.
18) "My ticket is for 9:00-10:00 p.m., and it's now 10:05 p.m.. How come I'm not in the haunt already?!!"
We offer timed ticketing admission and limited quantities of general admission. Timed Ticketing specifies the time guests are allowed entry onto the entire property. Please be aware: wait times could still exist as we strive to provide unique experiences to EVERYONE. Patrons interested in an event with NO LINES should look for Halloween entertainment elsewhere. This is an "ENTER AT OWN RISK" event.
19) "My name is Jori, and I need to know how many attractions are at The Dark Woods (even though this website makes it clear there is only one main attraction), and if I don't find out how many attractions, I will give a one-star review, despite never visiting the event (and therefore not having any clue on how much time, work, and money goes into creating an awesome event like this)."
Jori- there is one attraction called The Dark Woods. For more info on the event, click HERE.
20) "Is The Dark Woods appropriate for my child or me?"
The Dark Woods is rated PG-13. If any of the following words offend or trigger you (or your kids), it's probably best for you (and them) to stay home and watch Hallmark:
Splooge, ooze, phlegm, gag, moist, fester, seepage, pus, fetus, mucus, crevice, cyst, ointment, smear, squelch, slurp, curd, hormones, puberty, hillbilly, farmer, love, romance, commitment, snuggle, spooning, nude, warmth, belly button, hernia check, wet willies, the name Paul, pennies, birthing, politics, marriage, the name Karen, flatulence, mouth hole, the name Chad, Brad, or Todd; Space Force, or gargantuan.
If you are easily offended by gross, childish, immature humor, The Dark Woods is probably not for you.
The Dark Woods is a show. Cast members are only actors.
21) "I know I'm not supposed to complain about anything, but IF I feel the urge to complain, what are a few acceptable things I can complain about?"
The economy, eating healthy, taxes, exercise, Richard Marx, bandanas on children, The Gout, moldy caulking, drafts, silence, Jeff Besos, stress fractures, anything deboned, cellulite, the number 13.
With the amount of unhappiness that exists in this world, we get it. The sudden urge to complain about stuff can unexpectedly pop up at any moment, and it can be uncontrollable. Here is a list of stuff you really SHOULDN'T complain about (along with our standard replies):
"I'm cold."
Dress warmer.
"But if I dress warmer, I won't look as cute in this new outfit I got at Abercrombie."
Complain to Abercrombie then.
"I wish it was warmer outside."
Unfortunately, the business model does not support only opening when the temp is comfortable for you and your loved ones.
"OMG - the characters keep trying to converse with me...why won't they leave me alone?"
The harder you try to avoid having fun, and the more annoyed you look, the more the characters will engage with you. We love your annoyed looks and judgemental eye rolls. Might as well TRY to have a good time.
"Why is there a line?"
It's a popular holiday and a popular event. If you'd prefer an event that doesn't have long lines, attend a Haunted Flag Day Attraction.
"I itch."
Ewww.
"Why do I have to walk?"
The people mover section of our haunt is broken (like....permanently).
